Imperfect Strangers
UNDERSTANDING UNDERSTANDING ISSUE 9
IMAGE: DAREN THOMAS MAGEE
It’s been a little over two months since my last essay. The outpouring of support, virtual head nods, and IRL high fives I got from folks about needing to go easy on self-imposed deadlines and the vestiges of internalized capitalism was so life giving. If you were one of those people, thank you. And if you too took a break to care for yourself, good job. For those who haven’t, know you still can. You’re the boss.
So what have I been doing in these intervening months? I’ve been listening. After a two-year Covid hiatus, that thing in the desert (aka Burning Man) happened again and I returned for what was my 13th time. Opportunities to meet and connect with old friends and make new ones abound in that dusty place. This year was no exception. I returned home with an ear to ear smile and a deeper sense of community and camaraderie than I’ve felt there in a long while. It was special.
Then, after a quick reunion with my forever partner and our two pups, I had to scoot out to Amsterdam for a week of work with an amazing, global leadership team who I was supporting as a facilitator and speaker for a multi-day retreat. The theme for this retreat was centered on the concept of “togetherness” and how this business can serve as a bridge builder and connector for the communities it serves.
So why am I telling you all of this? It’s not because I feel the need to explain myself or to let you know I didn’t squander my time away from these essays. It’s because with the context you now have about what I’ve been doing, you may find it easier to appreciate the famed Jim Morrison quote I’m about to restate.
People are strange, when you’re a stranger.
You see, over these last few months I’ve been away from the comforts of home in ways I’d gotten quite used to. In 2019, the year before everything changed, I spent nearly 200 days traveling for work. Then it all came to a screeching halt. And in these intervening years my travel muscles atrophied. Sure, I’ve still had plenty of chances to meet new people (though much of that has been virtual), and I’ve been afforded the opportunity to relocate to a new community that has welcomed Caroline and I with open arms. But still, there was something about these last few weeks—about getting out there and exploring again—that made me feel electrified.
In Amsterdam I talked with the executives I was with about the metastasizing nature of polarization and how in the U.S. and abroad, so many people are struggling to have conversations and build connections with people who strongly hold views different than their own. For a window into some of the good work this brand is doing, I urge you to take 5 minutes to check out this video.
And when these conflicts scale up from the intimate nature of a one-on-one disagreement to a full-blown insurrections like the ones we’re seeing in places like Iran and Ukraine, it becomes incumbent on the brave humans at the frontlines to quite literally put their lives on the line because they cannot endure the alternative. None of us should be willing to accept a world where an individual’s right to believe and act with autonomy and agency over their own body or freedoms can be stymied by the will of a controlling few or a fearful mob whose perceived power is threatened when others are empowered.
Here in the U.S., according to some theorists, we are already in the early stages of civil war. In his recent book, The Next Civil War, Canadian journalist Stephen Marche writes:
The United States is descending into the kind of sectarian conflict usually found in poor countries with histories of violence, not the world's most enduring democracy and largest economy. The fall has been sudden. A decade ago, American stability and global supremacy were a given. The memory of September 11th led to regular mass demonstrations of natural unity. The United States was synonymous with the glory of democracy. No longer. Solidarity has dissolved. The American system has become a case study of paralysis. Political violence is on the rise.
The next civil war in America won't look like a civil war in a smaller country. The United States is fragile but enormous. Its military might remains unparalleled. Its economy determines the health of the global economy. If the American Republic falls, democracy as the leading political system in the world falls. If democracy falls, the peace and security of the global order falls. No one will escape the consequences.
Bleak times.
Watching the news, listening to the way information is delivered—harnessing specific, dog-whistle language designed to incite a visceral response—it’s no wonder the world is teetering on a razor’s edge. News network on-screen graphics and music look and sound more like they were pulled from the adrenaline-inducing playbooks of Monday Night Football programming than designed to present clear, unbiased facts to help people come to their own conclusions. And the system is built to do this. Check out this graph depicting the major news networks and their bias (interactive version here). What this tells us is that no matter your opinion on a topic, you can find a news source that will tell you you’re right, substantiate your views, and foment animosity for those whose perspectives and prerogatives are different than your own.
In this polarized milieu we find ourselves, it seems like we cannot co-exist. Society is increasingly telling us in order for one side to feel right, another must feel wrong. Without a loser your “win” isn’t enough. This is a zero sum game and perpetuates a vicious cycle of victim/oppressor dynamics; both sides changing roles in the battle to justify one’s stance on a particular topic an infinitum until we obliterate ourselves.
So what can be done?
Well, it would be hard to say that there’s a singular answer that works for all of us but perhaps these last few months have illuminated a handful of clues for me that are worth sharing.
First, as a teacher and practitioner of empathy, one thing I often tell others interested in this work is that empathy cannot truly occur without genuine curiosity and a willingness to listen. And I promise you, curiosity will not thrust upon you (or anyone else) the necessity of unwilling conversion to another viewpoint. Your interest in deepening an understanding for someone else’s perspective doesn’t automatically ceed your own. But doing so will invariably offer the respect that people of differing views so often feel is lacking when difficult topics emerge.
Next, learn to ask better questions. This means asking questions without implicit judgements coded into them. Think about how “Why do you think you have the right to decide what I do with my body?” sounds when compared to “Can you help me understand why I shouldn’t be able to make medical choices for myself?” These two questions are getting at the same topic, albeit in very different ways. It may be harder to choose to soften the frustration and anger that’s tightly woven into these topics, but know that every effort you make to do so will serve as an invitation for a more civil, contemplative conversation to take shape.
Finally, accept that change takes time. These difficult conversations are not going away. In fact, it’s fair to say that these topics—racism, bigotry, sexism, oppression, et. al.—are the hard work that lies before every human presently alive on this planet. The 3rd world war may not be fought on the shores of Normandy or in the skies over the South Pacific. Instead its battles will exist in civil unrest and protests that stand up to oppression. But it will also be found in comment threads and supermarket parking lots and town halls and voting booths.
In the end, what people are asking for is to be treated with respect and dignity, regardless of their gender or skin color or orientation or ability. It may be hard to fathom meeting oppression with curiosity and a willingness to listen, but without this, without an openness to stymieing the same cycles of victor and loser, we are doomed to repeat ourselves.
So in these moments of strife and discord, I’m heartened by Jim Morrison’s words. I’m reminded that the ‘strangeness’ we may feel when “othered” or challenged by differing beliefs, can be addressed by working a little harder, and a little more generously, to understand. And I’ll say it again… understanding does not mean agreeing. But it can be a powerful step in creating a willingness to open dialogue and reciprocate a spirit of curiosity and respect for different viewpoints.
Are you willing to make the first move?
Take good care,
MV
HAPPENINGSEvents, talks, workshops, retreats…
Things I’m doing and things others are doing that you might find interesting.
NO/BS CONFERENCE
October 26 - 27 in Melbourne, Australia
Last time I got to speak at this amazing conference was March of 2020, right before the world changed forever. After two and a half long and challenging years, we’re back. If you’re in the area, please swing by and say hi! Tickets!
49th ANNUAL VILLAGE HALLOWEEN PARADE
October 31st - New York City
God I love Halloween. I think I love it most of all for the surrealness. When else do you go into a CVS and have a normal conversation with someone dressed as a potato? For most of my adult life I’ve marched in the Village Halloween Parade because it’s the best place to people watch, laugh, and dance with New Yorkers at their peak. Find me as a bioluminescent jellyfish meandering through the crowd.
OFFICE HOURS
November 2nd at 2pmET
Office hours have resumed. Drop in for a catch up, meet some other weirdos, and see what happens. No agenda. No schedule. Just come and connect. Find me on Zoom.
OPPORTUNITIESTalent, jobs, investments, collabs, and more…
If you or someone you know is interested in making a move or if you’d like to share a need in this section on a future letter, drop me a line. It takes a village.
Are you looking for a new head of people? A CMO? A Creative Director? I’ve got pals in all three of these roles looking to find a new home. If you’re interested in learning more, drop me an email and I’ll pass along the specifics.
I’m happy to announce that Questions & Empathy is back in stock. This deck of deep questions works like an accelerant from small talk to big talk. Get yourself a pack before Thanksgiving so you have something else to talk about with your favorite aunt and your drunk cousin.
EPHEMERANew colors, old art, timeless music, and carbs…
Things I’ve picked up while meandering around the internet.
There’s a new blue. It’s called “YInMn Blue” and it’s the first new inorganic blue pigment developed in hundreds of years. “YInMn Blue” is a contraction of Yttrium, Indium, and Manganese, OBVIOUSLY. Blue is also an interesting topic because there is very little historical record about the color. It’s not mentioned in ancient texts and never used as a color in cave drawings. Theories about ancestral color blindness or indifference abound.
Leonora Carrington’s work is as dope as it was 80 years ago (if not doper). Maybe not as commercially well-known as her male contemporaries (patriarchy, sigh) she’s experiencing a well-deserved renaissance. If you’re in LA or London, check out her work on display at current exhibitions.
The music world recently lost two powerful luminaries. Pharoah Sanders and Q Lazzarus, with decidedly different styles both left the mortal coil for points unknown. If you’re unfamiliar with either of them, I highly recommend a deep dive into the otherworldly sounds they’ve left behind.
You ever watched Picasso make a painting from scratch?
Aaaand finally, if you need me, I’ll be zoned out watching time-lapse footage of bread being baked.